Alternative Peppa Pig…Daddy Loses His Glasses

Narrator: Daddy Pig wears glasses. He needs to wear glasses to see clearly. Sometimes Daddy Pig loses his glasses. 

Mummy Pig: Peppa, George, have you seen Daddy Pig’s glasses? The dickhead’s gone and lost them again.
Peppa Pig: No, Mummy.
Narrator: Peppa and George do not know where Daddy Pig’s glasses are. 
Mummy Pig: F*ck my life. I don’t know how the tosspot manages to wipe his own arse without my supervision. I feel like I have three sodding children to look after, not two.
Narrator: Without his glasses on, Daddy Pig cannot read his newspaper. 
Daddy Pig: This is ridiculous. I can’t see anything. Somebody must have put my glasses somewhere. 
Mummy Pig: Yes. It was me. I just thought ‘I wonder what would make my day more fun? Oh I know, I’ll hide Daddy Pig’s glasses so he can turn into an utter git because he can’t perve on the page 3 model in his bollocking newspaper’.
Daddy Pig: Calm down Mummy Pig, I was only asking. When I don’t wear them I always put them in my pocket. But they aren’t there now. 
Peppa Pig: Daddy, can we help find your glasses?
Mummy Pig: Good idea, Peppa. If you find them, Daddy will stop being such a pillock.
Daddy Pig: I’m not a pillock.
Narrator: Peppa and George are looking for Daddy’s glasses. They look in the bedrooms, the bathroom and even in the toilet. Peppa and George cannot find Daddy Pig’s glasses anywhere.
Peppa Pig: Oh. It’s too difficult. We’ve looked everywhere but we can’t find Daddy’s glasses. 
Mummy Pig: Fabulous. Looks like we’re going to have to fork out another £600 for a new pair of Christian Dior ones because you’re a pretentious prick who refuses to get the cheap ones. 
Daddy Pig: Or I suppose I‘ll just have to learn to do without them. If I move slowly I won’t bump into things.
Mummy Pig: What a fantastic idea, Daddy Pig! What about driving the car to work? I look forward to finding out you’ve been arrested and charged with vehicular manslaughter as a result of mowing down Zoe Zebra or, god forbid, Miss Rabbit, all because you can’t see the fucking road.
Peppa Pig: There they are. Daddy’s glasses. 
Mummy Pig: Fan-f*cking-tastic, you were sitting on them the whole time. I’m amazed your gargantuan arse didn’t consume them, the supermassive black hole that it is. You can crack on with the glamour models in your newspaper now whilst I clean the house, feed the children and lose my fucking mind.
Daddy Pig: Thank you, Mummy Pig. I might just do that.

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