My husband doesn’t notice mess. I could get the overflowing bin from the kitchen and empty the contents onto the living room floor and he wouldn’t bat an eyelid. He might comment on the smell and asked if I or one of the children had farted but that’s about it.
A typical start of an argument would go something like this:
Me: Argh!! Why am I always the one picking up after everyone else?!
Zac: What’s there to pick up?
Me: Erm oh I dunno, what about Theo’s turd (in a nappy bag) on the coffee table? Daisy’s empty bottle over there? Your crumbs from breakfast on the sofa? Need I go on?
Zac: Calm down, I’ll clear up in a bit.
Me: Define ‘in a bit’? Is that before or after your hour long morning poo?
Basically I’m fed up with always having to point out the mess which is so obvious to me. To prove a point, I invented ‘The Chicken Nugget Challenge’.
The idea popped into my head yesterday evening. We had been out all day so decided to have a McDonalds in the evening. After we had finished I was sat on the sofa and from across the room spied a lone chicken nugget under the dining table by Theo’s chair. I was about to leap up but decided instead I would see just how long it would go unnoticed by my lovely husband.
(Its worth saying here that I realise I rip into Zac a lot in my posts. He’s actually a very useful person to have around a lot of the time. And as much as it pains me to say it he’s far cleverer than I am and is more sensible with money. Sorry Zac).
Anyway, The Chicken Nugget Challenge is now complete and the results are in:
Sometime around 5.15pm – the nugget has landed.
5.45pm – I locate the nugget from the sofa and ignore it.
6.05pm – it’s starting to annoy me so I ask Zac if he can clean the dining table and Theo’s seat whilst I wash up. He obliges which is nice of him.
6.10pm – I return to the living room and subtly check under the table. Nugget is still there. Bollocks.
7.20pm – the kids are in bed. I decide to let Zac have the comfy sofa space, providing him with the perfect view of the nugget.
8.10pm – Zac goes to the toilet. I plant my phone under the dining table about 20cm from the nugget.
8.35pm – Zac returns from the toilet (I’ve birthed a baby in less time).
8.40pm – I started complaining of a bad back. Zac pretends to look vaguely concerned.
8.43pm – I pretend to spy my phone under the dining table. I tell Zac I must have dropped it at dinner and ask him to get it for me as my back is hurting. Being the chivalrous gent he is, he complies. I get my hopes up. He brings me the phone. The nugget is still there and I know if it had hands it would be giving me the finger. Bastard thing.
9.35pm – I go up to bed feeling a bit defeated.
10.20pm – Zac starts talking in his sleep about Star Wars. I’m wide awake thinking about the nugget. Pathetic I know, but this is how small my world is. Eventually I fell asleep.
2.10am – I hear Daisy stirring on the baby monitor. I can’t help but think about that fucking nugget again. How has my life become so pathetic? I start to worry about Theo finding it before Zac does and eating it. I’d then potentially find myself in hospital with a toddler with food poisoning. Somehow I eventually fall back to sleep.
4.05am – Daisy wakes for her feed. As I’m giving her a bottle the nugget creeps back into my thoughts. It’s funny how the littlest things seem so important in the middle of the night.
4.20am – I decided enough is enough and, after Daisy is back in her cot, I go downstairs to retrieve the nugget. I trudge through to the kitchen and get to the bin only to realise I have nothing to put in it. I feel sick when I realise I have a distinctly chicken-y taste in my mouth. I’ve only gone and eaten the damn thing on the way to the kitchen in my sleep deprived state. Well it looks like it will be me who will be getting food poisoning. I debate making myself throw up, whilst wondering how on earth I’ve gotten to this stage all for the sake of trying to prove a point to my husband.
4.35am – The Chicken Nugget Challenge is over. Zac won by a mile without even knowing it. I’m probably going to die from eating a dodgy day old McDonalds Nugget. I always said I wanted to go out with a bang.
It’s now several hours since the competition ended and, as you can tell, I’m still alive although. I told Zac about The Chicken Nugget Challenge and I could tell he feels like the luckiest bloke in the world to be married to me. I invented The Challenge to test him but, ironically, I feel I have learnt an awful lot about myself. I think next time I’ll just shut up, clear up the mess myself and move on.