Before vs After Children: Leaving The House

Before vs After Children: Leaving The House

Before Children:
1. Put on coat and shoes.
2. Pick up handbag.
3. Go out front door.
4. Lock door behind you.

After Children:
1. Warn Child 1 we are going out at least 10 minutes before leaving the house, in an attempt to avoid an epic meltdown because it has come as a shock that he has to stop shoving raisins inside his fire truck. Be ignored.
2. Put on your coat and shoes.
3. Check the following is enclosed in nappy bag:
a) Nappies for:
(i) Child 1
(ii) Child 2
b) Baby wipes
c) Snacks for Child 1
d) Drink for Child 1
e) Toys for Child 1
f) Bottle of milk for Child 2
g) Spare formula for Child 2
h) Spare dummy for Child 2
i) At least 2 muslins for extremely vomit-prone Child 2
j) Change of clothes for Child 2
k) Sudacrem
l) Small first aid kit (you would be amazed how brutal a trip to the supermarket can be)
m) Changing mat
4. Warn Child 1 again that we are going out soon. Be ignored again.
5. Put coat and hat on Child 1 whilst he continues the raisins game. If he protests, bribe with chocolate or other sweet treat.
6. Put coat and hat on Child 2.
7. Check to see if Child 2 wants anymore milk before putting her into the much-hated car seat whilst hysterically singing ‘We’re Off To See The Wizard’ in the hope she might not realise she is being placed into the car seat.
8. Use dummy to try to calm Child 2 down now that she realises she has been plugged into the car seat.
9. Leave Child 2 screaming in car seat by the front door.
10. Turn TV off.
11. Child 1 starts to protest and acts stunned that we are going out despite two warnings and the fact he has a coat and shoes on. Save your sanity and bribe with more chocolate.
12. During this time Child 2 will have done a poo (there must be something about the car seat recline angle that encourages her to do this).
13. Get Child 2 out of car seat and change nappy, then repeat steps 7, 8 and 9.
14. Go out front door with Child 1.
15. Strap wriggling Child 1 into car seat and confirm there will be more chocolate waiting for him at our destination and hope that he forgets this comment by the time we get there.
16. Go back and get Child 2 and place in car.
17. If going to see mother put a blanket on Child 2 to avoid being told Child 2 is not wrapped up enough in this cold weather.
18. Go back and get nappy bag and handbag.
19. Reposition dummy into Child 2’s mouth as she will have spit it out by now.
20. Lock door behind you (you will need to come back and check you have done this after driving halfway down the road, just blame lack of sleep).

* Additional Note: At least another 10 steps will need to be added if the husband is also present in this situation.

I think this may be why I stay home a lot more I used to.

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